The Joker and the Thief
by TheWaiter
Summary: A story that explores the friendship between everyone's two favourite Turks; Reno and Rude. A buddy fic, zero slash whatsoever.
1. The Joker and the Thief

**A/N: **I haven't read many buddy fics of these two characters, so here is one. The last line is a blatant reference, I know. I groaned when I wrote it.

**Disclaimer: **Consider my ass disclaimed, yo.

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The Joker and the Thief

I had just sat down to enjoy some breakfast when I got a call from Reno. I got the occasional call from my ex-partner, the only one of the Turks that had kept in contact with me since I had quit a few years ago. Sometimes Elena called, but we didn't have much to say to each other. Usually she just wanted a password to a file I had worked on or information regarding a client. Tseng and I hadn't split on the best of terms, but his silence I had expected.

Reno, however, called for things not remotely work related. He called for one of two reasons; to go drinking, or to enlist my help in escaping from his latest conquest's house.

I picked up the phone, sitting at the same time. "Callous and Insensitive hotline, Rude speaking."

"Har Har." Said the voice on the other line, "that was funny the first eleven times."

"What do you want, Reno?" I said, cutting into my eggs while cradling the phone between my shoulder and ear. I felt the morning sun warm my chest and face, and turned towards the open window. Nothing like a little sunlight to help me console a desperate old friend.

"I'm in a tight spot, buddy. I need a pickup, a diversion… SOMETHING to get me out of here."

"You know the deal, Reno," I said, putting a bit of egg into my mouth and chewing thoughtfully. It was divine. Best damn eggs I've ever tasted. "Story first, and then saving."

"But- I need out of here now! A story just wastes time."

"I'll be the judge of that."

"C'mon, Rude…"

"Less pleading, more explaining."

"Fine," Reno huffed. Ever since I had made this deal a few months ago, he'd been subjected to more ridicule than I could have expected. I'd first hoped that my taunting would deter him from screwing around, but it eventually turned into my weekly entertainment. Some people had the internet, others had television, and I had Antics of Reno. This would make a damn good sitcom.

"Okay, so I was in the bar the other day, just sitting, minding my own business, when this chick walks up to me. She looked really… intelligent, probably the _smartest _girl I've ever met in the Dog's Trench."

The Dog's Trench was the Turks official place of drinking. Out of our entire squad, I was the only one who preferred the 7th Heaven. Old habits die hard, I guess you could say.

"Anyways, so I buy her a drink, ask her name, and we get to talking, dancing, the usual stuff. Eventually we're about to get our freak on, and she tells me that she doesn't have "The Key"."

I almost choke on my toast. "Back up. You mean that she is wearing-"

"A chastity belt, yes." Reno said, clearly embarrassed. "It was like some crazy movie, man. She told me that her dad had thrown it away, and that we could do other things if we wanted."

"What did you do?"

Silence greeted my question. I helped myself to a strip of bacon while he struggled to answer.

Finally, he responded, a weak voice, whispered. "I tried to break the lock."

I was speechless. 'Reno…" I started, and then stopped, thinking about how to reply. "What… But… You get some every week!"

"She was very persuasive!"

"How can you be so sexually deprived that you'd try to BREAK A CHASTITY BELT!?"

"No need to shout…" Reno said, meekly.

"Reno, this belt is on a woman's _crotch._ What did you do, hit it with a hammer."

Silence greeted me. "Oh, sweet planet." I said, rubbing the bridge of my nose. "You _did_ hit it with a hammer."

"Only at first! It didn't really help much." Reno said, meekly.

I growled, and then stood from the table, going to the counter for seconds. It looked like I was going to need seconds. "So, was she mad that you tried to break it?"

"No, she seemed eager to break it off. We had other alternatives. But when we woke up in the morning, I learned that her boyfriend lived across the hall."

I stopped, running a hand across my shaved head. "How did you find that out?"

Reno was silent again, and the whisper came back. "Because he's in the room, now. With a gun."

I was out the door with my arm in one sleeve of my jacket, shoes forgotten, heading for my car. "Where are you?"

"Hiding in a closet."

"Address?" I jumped in my car, starting the engine. Reno told me the address, sounding relieved. I ended the call, and then made a new one.

"Hello?" the sleepy feminine voice said, stifling a yawn.

I smiled at the sound of her voice. "Hey, sweetheart. Hope I didn't wake you."

"Mmm, it's okay. Where did you go?"

I looked up at her window as I revved the engine. "I'm just outside, in the car. I need to go pick up Reno. He's gotten himself in a little bit of trouble."

She yawned loudly, and made a disappointed noise. "You're coming back though, right?"

My smile grew. "Yeah, I'm coming back. Don't wait up for me, though, I may be a few hours."

She sniffed. "Did you make breakfast?"

I laughed. "It's on the counter." I pulled out of the driveway, tires squealing as I drove to the address Reno provided. "I'll see you later."

"'Kay" She said, and I hung up, focused on getting the red-haired pain out of the condition he was in. Armed boyfriends had a propensity for shooting at Reno, something that he was used to, but lately he had been getting worse and worse at avoiding the bullets. I wasn't worried. Reno and I had been in pickles before.

And after all, there must be _some way_ out of there.

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_A/N: If you give me a review, I'll give you sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows everywhere._


	2. The Dish and the Spoon

**Author's Note:** I didn't expect to be posting a second chapter related to the first, but I think I'm going to have a six chapter arc, with two interludes that are oneshots about Rude and Reno in a non-related way to the plot. If you have any suggestions, let me know!

Kudos to those of you who can guess which of the duo is the Joker/Spoon, and the Thief/Dish.

**The Dish and the Spoon**

I freely admit to cowering in the closet. What would _you_ do if a crazy gunman burst into the room, wielding a rather intimidating shotgun and shouting about claiming lives? You'd probably scream and run around in circles like a wutain princess.

Not Reno the Turk. I merely squeaked and dove for the first bit of protection I could find. The closet was an antique, just big enough to fit me if I squatted down.

Outside the door, I heard Erica and her crazy gorilla of a boyfriend arguing. It had been on and off from angry and violent sounds, crashing plates, and shouting, to mild-mannered and polite debates. I almost expected them to change suddenly into musical mode, singing numbers like "Die, Suit-man, die," "I found my key," and "Cramps: He's in My Closet". I can just imagine the ticket sales.

I hoped Rude would get here soon. I knew he was at his lady's place, and that by calling I was in his bad books for the day, but Rude could never remain mad for long. It was his warrior's persona; he didn't hold irrational grudges that could affect him in combat. He could never _relax_, as I was constantly telling him, unless he had a few beers in him.

I think that's actually how he and his missus had met, through Rude's drunken charm. I know that a lot of people claim to have "Drunken charm", but Rude actually _does_. The more drunk he is, the more of a suave, gentleman he is. I envied him, because he could have any girl he wanted, but he _didn't take the chance._

I was jarred from my thoughts as the two outside the closet started shouting again.

"-if he's gone, why are his clothes still here?"

"He _kind of _left in a hurry when he saw you with a _shotgun,_ Kenny."

His name was Kenny? Oh, brother. What a lame name.

"As he should've. Cause I would've shot him, Erica. Nobody seduces my gir."

"Kenny, for the _last _time, we're _over._ I broke up with you _because_ of scenes like this."

I snorted, and then covered my mouth with my hands. Jealousy. Who needs it? I breathed deeply through my nose, not trusting myself to not start laughing if my hands weren't there.

"We were great together, Erica. Why can't you give us another chance? Give _me_ another chance."

I rolled my eyes. What was this, a soap opera? Why the melodramatic spin on life?

Well, I suppose that someone who makes random appearances at his ex-girlfriend's house just _in case_ she had a boy over can afford to be a touch melodramatic. I suppose that it doesn't really deface his character _too _much.

"Kenny, please, just go. There's nobody here. Just go." Erica sounded frazzled. I was amazed that she hadn't attacked the ape yet.

I breathed through my nose again, and felt something tickle my nostrils. _Oh, no…_

"If I ever catch him again, Erica…" Don't sneeze. Don't sneeze Don't sneeze Dontsneezedontsneezedontsneeze….

"…I'll rip his heart out, and hit it with a hammer! I'll string him by his toes! I'll… I'll-"

"AAAA-CHOOO!" I blew the closet open with a flailing limb, making me sprawl out, hanging out of the closet. My feet were still inside of it, and I was looking at a horrified Erica and a livid Kenny, still brandishing an oversized shotgun.

Strangely, the scene wasn't any more comforting being upside down.

"Er… Hello." I said, meekly, trying to cover my boxers a little better. Was there any way I could be more exposed?

"_You._" Kenny said, and started to advance. That's it, Reno. It's over. You had a good run.

A knock at the door gave me a brief respite, and Erica raced to open it, hoping to stall Kenny's wrath, no doubt.

A man in a black jacket and black jeans stood at the threshold, holding up a badge. "Turks, ma'am. We have reason to believe that you're harbouring a known fugitive-" His eyes fell on me.

He strode towards me, passing a still-red Kenny, his shotgun still aimed at my head.

"Reno Anderson, you are hereby under arrest for the murder of John Karbackle. If you come quietly, it will look favourably on your record." I looked at him, angrily.

"You'll never catch me alive, Turk!" I yelled, spitting at him. I was rewarded with a sharp rap on my head with a baton, sending my head smacking against the hardwood. Cuffs were slapped on my wrists, and I was hauled to my feet, still aware that I was in boxers.

"Thank you, sir. You're contribution to the arrest of this man will be handsomely rewarded." The man handed him a card with an address. "Go here to claim your reward in three days time." He bowed to the two occupants of the room, and marched out, dragging me behind him.

I winked at Erica as I passed. "I'll call you."

* * *

When we were near Rude's car, I rounded on him.

"Anderson? What the hell kind of last name is Anderson? And who is John Karbackle!?"

Rude laughed. "A guy I knew in college. Total jerk. And besides, it got you out of there, didn't it?"

I grumbled. Rude's plans always got me out of a sticky situation. I hated it when he got to rub it in my face.

"Did you really have to hit me so hard?" I asked, rubbing my still-cuffed hands against my head.

"Did you really have to _spit_ at me?" Rude retorted, opening the passenger door for me. I slid in. He closed the door, walking around.

I waited till he was in the driver's seat before continuing my tirade. "I was playing a character! You couldn't have at least let me grab my clothes?"

"Hey, the deal was, is, and forever will be: get you out alive. Are you, or are you not breathing currently?"

I folded my arms across my chest and sank in my seat like a petulant child. He grinned at me. "That's what I thought."

He started the car, pulling onto the road.

"Hey," I said, grinning. "let my get my spare suit from your place."

Rude paled, like I knew he would. His lady didn't really agree with his taste in friends, but her and I had a special relationship; we hated each other, as openly and as hostilely as possible. Rude often got caught in the middle of it.

"Reno, it's 9 in the morning. She isn't even up yet."

"All the more reason to get it now, rather than later!" I loved arguing with his lady. She was talented with the wit, almost as sharp as me. Okay, I'll admit it; she was better than me at duelling with words. I could learn a few things from her.

Rude started to argue, and then shook his head, turning the car around. He was grumbling under his breath, words like "quick death", "doghouse" and "withdrawal" slipping in a lot more than the rest. I smiled, glorifying in my revenge.

"You know, you should've thought of this before you stranded me without clothes."

"I followed the deal. What I _should've _thought of was letting you keep your spare set at our place."

"C'mon, Rude. It's not like she's going to break up with you." I then noticed that his feet were bare. "Where are your shoes?"

Rude shot me a glare. "I rushed out of the house this morning to _save_ your ass from a crazy gunman. My shoes went forgotten. Lotta good that did me."

I shrugged. "Okay, I won't stay long. It'll be quick. I'll go in, grab the suit, and be out again, ASAP. She won't even know I'm there."

Rude shook his head, focused on driving. I _did _feel bad for taking advantage of Rude, but he knew he owed me. He had tried to set me up with Elena a few months ago, and the date had ended with Fire spells being thrown back and forth, words being exchanged, and a scar that ran from my shoulder to my belly button. I needed to be at work in an hour, and if I wasn't desperate, I wouldn't have pressed him.

"Hey," I said. Rude looked at me briefly. "I'm sorry, man. I really need those clothes. Tseng says that if I'm late one more time, I'll be demoted."

Rude shrugged. "It's cool. But next time, keep your clothes at work or something."

We pulled into the driveway of the two-story home. Rude put the car into park, took a deep breath, and undid his seatbelt.

"Yuffie is going to kill me."

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